The Foundation of Friendship
Well hello, friends! I know it’s been a little bit since my last blog entry. The truth is my life underwent a major overhaul! So many changes, both exciting and devastating have happened that I felt so overwhelmed. Not exactly sure where to begin or how to pick up where I left off.
It’s okay though because it’s given me time to really figure out who I am becoming, and what I want in life. That also includes the voice I want to be for people who struggle to find love and light within themselves. So there will be some changes in what we talk about here at Amberable. I’m still all about helping those with self-hatred issues, and body self-esteem problems. I’ve just decided it’s time to be more open and honest about who I am, and the struggles I face and hopefully overcome, rather than give out a manufactured list of “how-to’s”. Here you’re going to find a woman on a journey, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually to find peace and love inside me with the goal of living my happiest and healthiest life. If along the way my words inspire, reach and help you then I’ll have fulfilled the purpose God has set before me.
It’s with that new purpose that I share some of the more vulnerable parts of my life. Facing darkness and tragedy always strip away the bull and allows you to see with unburdened eyes.
2020 – The Year that Cost Too Much!
Without a doubt this past year has been one of struggle and heartache. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you were alive during 2020 it was a crazy experience. Since March I was on furlough, went back to work in October, promptly got covid, went back on furlough, and then made the decision to leave the state I had come to love, for a new state I never imagined living in. It’s funny how God can wreck your plans when you put your faith in Him. I learned MY plans weren’t what He had planned for me.
The end of 2020 brought darkness to my life that I wasn’t expecting in the form of tragedy. On Thanksgiving, I learned that one of my longest and dearest friends, someone I consider my brother, was admitted to the hospital. The news wasn’t good. The depression and stress from being unable to work and provide for his family over covid had taken a very harsh toll on his body. Around Christmas, I received word that his situation had hit critical, the point of no return. On New Year’s eve, having just moved into my new home I received the call that my brother, my best friend’s husband whom I had known my entire adult life had passed away.
It’s now mid-February, and the truth is it still hasn’t hit me fully. D (how I will reference him from here on out) was a force to be reckoned with in life. Charismatic and well known by everyone in the community. It was through knowing him and how fiercely he loved and needed his wife (my best friend) that I was able to see that true love wasn’t lost in today’s world. D taught me so many things in this life that I will never forget because they built an integral piece of who I am. Funny things like “if you wear the hat you wear the cowboy”, and that spitting your teeth out at random strangers can either scare them or make them your friend for life. ( I was the latter)
True friendship teaches us more than we could ever imagine.
I learned that just because I believed in God, and he believed in something else it didn’t mean we couldn’t love each other and be a good force on this earth for humanity. He and his wife both taught me how to love and accept others, but most importantly they showed me that I was worthy of love and acceptance of myself.
I sit here now, with tears escaping freely down my face at the memories of having someone so special in my life. I ache knowing I won’t ever be able to have another game night where we get drunk and play DnD, laughing so hard that we can’t breathe or that I won’t ever see him up on stage singing Linkin park or ACDC. I feel lost knowing when the most painful times in my life happen I won’t feel his arms hug me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I hurt knowing my best friend in this world is broken without her soulmate and his children will go through life without their father. I feel betrayed by the world that let a man die of a broken heart by taking his livelihood away. Most importantly I long for more time, or a chance to use the time we had together more wisely.
You see, that’s the real tragedy when death comes along and claims someone on the way to their next chapter in this universe. The longing for more time. When we lose someone we love, whether it is unexpectedly or after an illness, we never really feel like we had enough time with them. Any fallouts you may have had now feel stupid and wasteful. The only thing that clings to you like a sticky film is a sense of regret.
I loved my brother, we may not have gotten a lot of time together in the end years, we let life get in the way of being as close as we started out, but I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without his influence in my life. It took me many years to understand what he showed me when I was younger, but I know looking back he always believed in me even when I didn’t know I was allowed to believe in myself.
It’s a comfort now as I embark on this journey of learning to love and accept myself for all that God has made of me, that there built into the foundation of who I am, brick by loving brick are the cornerstones placed by my closest of friends. The strength of love, the power of belief, and the honest relief of acceptance. All of these things that I’m slowly finding inside myself were placed there long ago and with such care; like gifts waiting to be unwrapped by the people in my life who have loved me the entire time.
Thank you for the Gift.
So my friends, if you have someone (or multiple someones) in your life that have been showing you how loved, accepted, and beautiful you are let them know you see them. Hug them, call them, acknowledge that you received the gifts of strength that they planted in your life by just being there for you.
D, my friend, my brother, I will always miss you. From this day until the last one before we meet again. I thank God that he brought you into my life. If it wasn’t for you and N, I would not be the woman I am today. You were always there for me when I needed it, a soul that will be so missed in this life. Thank you for teaching me all that you did. This is not goodbye, it’s just until we meet again. I love you.
“Don’t be dismayed by goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends.” ~ Richard Bach.
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